Personal Stories, Autism, Diagnosis

My autism diagnosis: morning of the first assessment

This is the third in my series of posts about my autism assessment and diagnosis two years ago. After I found the courage to book my assessment, I had two weeks of waiting. By the morning of the assessment, I was a bundle of nerves. It was difficult to think about anything else and my mind was stuck on repeat, as I kept thinking through what the assessment would be like.

This was written on the morning of the assessment, before I headed to the psychologist.

Today is the day.  By the time I go to bed tonight, I will have an independent view of whether it makes sense for me to go for the full psychometric assessment and assess whether I might be autistic.

I am scared, nervous, and confused. I don't know what to expect, and it is driving me crazy. My mind is racing and I can't stop wondering about what is going to happen.

I have so many questions playing over and over, like a record on repeat

Am I just jumping on the bandwagon

Am I looking for excuses for my behaviour and how challenging I can be with other people

Am I overthinking or over-reacting about the struggles that I have been facing

Are they just going to get caught up on my family history

When I am not questioning my reasons for going for an assessment, I am thinking about all of the things that make me think that I might be autistic. I just want know one way or another, so that the repetitive thoughts will stop. The questions and thoughts are making it difficult to focus on anything else, and I just want to to get back to a steady state where I am not up in the air .... but my anxiety keeps getting in the way.

I can't stop wondering whether I am looking for something that isn't there, but then I am not imagining the fact that I am always getting the same feedback in my annual reviews and have not progressed at work at the same rate as my colleagues. I am not imagining how much I struggle with other people. I am not imagining usually being an outsider and struggling to connect with the people around me.

I am stuck, and the same things keep holding me back. People, people, people. Why can't I just get on better with people?

I want answers and some guidance on what I can change to ensure that I don't continue to struggle. My greatest fear is that I don't get any answers, and will only be left with more questions. I am tired of being the difficult person, and being told that I need to change. I need a change, but I don't know for sure what that change is.

Hopefully today can start to give me some insights into the change(s) needed. There is not much more time to think about it all now as I need to head out. It could all be quite different tomorrow!

My next post, is about the first assessment and my thoughts & feelings as I processed what happened.

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About Helen Needham

Helen is the originator and founder of Me.Decoded. A passionate advocate for Neurodiversity, - diagnosed as autistic in her 40's after a lifetime of feeling like she was on the outside looking in.
  • England